Weblog

Monday, 19 October 2009

  • sobering up

    one day i am going to die. im going to die and what will it matter? so im sitting at work, just reading a book, and then span of my life suddenly hits me; it becomes very clear and i see just how very small it is. so fleeting and brief... how many people similar to myself have come before me? thousands, millions... each one thinking their own thoughts, feeling their own emotions, just as alive, animated and imaginative as i am. and then -poof- they're gone. the ripples from their lives never touched mine, i never mourned them, i never even knew them. would people mourn me? more importantly is my life, my death, making ripples that would change people or will they look back and think "poor girl" and keep going with nothing changed, nothing enriched, nothing added? i had a good friend in elementary school, we did a lot together. sleepovers, projects, play dates, we even convinced our moms together in 5th grade to let us shave our legs for the first time. then one day -poof-. poor girl... do i even have it within me to make ripples in this small amount of time we're alloted here on earth? one day i am going to die, maybe sooner, maybe later, but it is an inescapable reality and a part of life. i may live a long happy life and live to have children and grandchildren, but i will still go... and so will my children and my childrens children and their children and their children and so on. and i will just disappear; disappear from thoughts, from memories, from pages and from lives. there wont be some cosmic hiccup when i shed my mortal coils, there wont be any world wide mourning, or even state wide mourning. i'll close my eyes, some people will be sad but somewhere else someone is waking up, being born or having the best day of their life and i will never cross their thoughts. and that strikes me as odd for some reason... there is nothing new under the sun.

Wednesday, 07 October 2009

  • lucid dream project

    I see your face staring through me,
    Like I'm nothing that you'll ever need.
    Love has become less like a memory …
    And more like a dream;

    Dissipating with all the winds that change,
    Beneath all this stale pain we have,
    ‘Cause it hurts not to have it,
    But it feels not to have it.
    Something so far away,
    So far away...
    Far away.

    Let's set aside all these things that are hidden from view
    ‘Cause in our minds we both know who are the accused…
    One can only conclude:
    nothing is as cold as you.

    You'll forget but I'll remember
    Leaving me as cold as November.
    Look at me don't say you hate me,
    Tell me that you'll never surrender.
    But I know you.
    I know you…

    Hibernating from all the blame I face,
    The price of truth can't afford another excuse.
    ‘Cause it hurts like a habit,
    But you know you can't have it.
    I miss you…
    You're the drug and
    I'm the addict.

    You'll forget but I'll remember
    Leaving me as cold as November.
    Look at me don't say you hate me,
    Tell me that you'll never surrender.
    But I know you.
    I know you…
    You're cold.

Monday, 28 September 2009

  • dreaming isnt always a good thing...

    for the past three days i have had the most disturbing dream and im not sure why. theres not even that much that goes on in the dream, as a matter of fact, there is only one thing that goes on in the dream: im sitting across from myself and my other self keeps repeating "i know why you're afraid of the dark." im not sure what it all means or if its just the product of an over active imagination but its put me in an awful state of mind...

    you're made of my rib oh baby, you're made of my sin... and i cant tell where your lust ends and where your love begins. i didn't want to hurt you baby, i didn't want to hurt you, i didn't want to hurt you but you're pretty when you cry... and the moon gives me permission and I enter through his eyes, he's losing his virginity and all his will to compromise... i didn't want to hurt you baby, i didn't want to hurt you, i didn't want to hurt you but you're pretty when you cry. i didn't want to fuck you baby, i didn't want to fuck you, i didn't want to fuck you but you're pretty when you're mine. i didn't really love you baby, i didn't really love you, i didn't really love you but im pretty when i lie. you hurt me baby, i hurt you baby... how can you do this to me now? if you knew how much I love you, you would run away... how can you do this to me now? but when I treat you bad it always makes you want to stay... how can you do this to me now? i didn't want to hurt you baby, i didn't want to hurt you baby, i didn't want to hurt you baby, i didn't want to hurt you baby. how can you do this to me now? how can you do this to me now? how can you do this to me now? how can you do this to me now?

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

  • honesty and the first day of fall

    1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
    apple cider! yummm... its the first day of fall, i had to. hehe

    2. Where was your profile picture taken?
    in the park on base

    3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
    yes, but that doesnt mean im good at it. haha

    4. Name someone who made you laugh recently:
    alex always makes me laugh!

    5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
    hmmm... around 11ish. i was on facebook and wasnt sleepy.

    6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
    oh man, there are so many places i would love to move to! back to Ga would be nice, england, thailand, maine, new zealand... lots of places.

    7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
    yup yup. my hubby gives the BEST kisses  

    8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
    joe and samantha. well, theyre more like close acquaintences now... so i guess ashley and justin!

    9. Do you believe exes can be friends?
    depends on the breakup and the people.

    10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
    love it!! its one of the few reasons i wasnt totally suicidal when i found out we had to move to the US

    11. When was the last time you cried?
    this afternoon. ugh, cutting up 4 large onions will make anyone bawl! i thought for sure i was going to go blind!

    12. Who took your profile picture?
    my friend stacy. oh wait... i forget what profile picture i have up. lol

    13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
    haley and jon goofing off in the square in downtown marietta.

    14. Was yesterday better than today?
    nope, today is so much better! its the first day of fall, it is absolutely gorgeous outside, my lawn is all mowed and i have a roast slow cooking in the oven for dinner. yummm...

    15. Can you live a day without TV?
    haha, i havent had tv in forever! so yes, i can. im not too fond of it, but i can do without. lol

    16. Are you upset about anything?
    nope nope nope. i have halloween coming up soon and a glass of apple cider right now, nothing to be upset about

    17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
    sure. you learn something from everyone. some of them arent well thought through, but still worth it in the end i guess

    18. Are you a bad influence?
    i like to think i am a good influence, but i am sure there are things i do that can be bad influences...

    19. Night out or night in?
    oh... thats a tough one. it really depends on my mood.

    20. What items could you not go without during the day?
    my cell phone and my knife

    21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
    samantha when she had her baby a couple months ago

    22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
    "lol i just reread what i sent you last night and i think i meant to say stephen not subsidy" haha

    23. How do you feel about your life right now?
    its pretty darn awesome. ive got an awesome hubby, a job i love, a car of my own and some great friends

    24. Do you hate anyone?
    nah, some people do annoy me though

    25. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find?
    messages that i have chosen not to delete for one reason or another

    26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
    without a doubt

    27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
    haha, yes, but its far from the truth

    28. What song is stuck in your head?
    oh wow... i can honestly say that i dont have one stuck in my head at the moment!

    29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
    i dont want it to be anyone. they have a death wish if they startle alex awake. lol

    30. Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
    that would mean id have to have kids pretty soon and there is no way thats happening. lol

    31. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
    weed out my flower garden. with all the rain we got it looks over grown now!

    32. Do you think too much or too little?
    a little bit of both. sometimes i over think things waaaaay too much but then sometimes i just dont think at all

    33. Do you smile a lot?
    yup yup, i am a pretty smilely person

    34. What is one thing that everyone obsesses over that you could do without?
    twitter. why in the world would i want to stalk people just to see what theyre doing from second to second. thats just weird.

    35. What should you be doing besides finishing this quiz?
    absolutely nothing! i got everything finished this morning that i needed to and now im just chilling and waiting on dinner to cook. -happy sigh- what an awesome first day of fall!

Friday, 11 September 2009

  • life vicariously

    so i know ive been on this halloween bender lately but i cant help it, its just such an awesome holiday! but i read something a couple days ago that really got me thinking about why i love the holiday. being the nerd i am i checked out a book about halloween and the author mentioned how "children love halloween for the candy and adults love halloween for the simple fact they can be whoever they want to be and leave their life behind for one night." in one way i already kind of knew that, but it also caught me off guard because i dont remember when this whole transition happened for me. i think it may have happened sometime after i got engaged and starting preparing for life on my own, more bills, college and all the stuff that goes along with being married and living on your own. that sounds kind of horrible in a way, its not that i regret getting married, but its the fact that the kid in me resents having to be responsible all the time. lol. i think every adult is like that though. at some point in every persons life they realize there is more to life than just having fun, hanging out and doing whatever theyd like and we're really reluctant to give up that mind set, sort of like the whole 'ignorance is bliss thing.' stop the world i'd like to get off please. its easy to see the difference when i look back over the halloweens of my childhood and the halloweens of my life now: as a kid i could care less what costume i was in, whether it was a costume from a store or a sheet with two holes cut in it for eyes, it didnt matter to me so long as i got to run around and get sackfuls of candy but now its all about the costume! for one night of the year (maybe a couple more if i'm lucky and find some good costume parties) im not the sarah vaughn who has to worry about bills, cars, work, health, money, groceries, ect... im sarah vaughn the vampire and i dont give a damn! haha. i dont have to worry about money because im already filthy rich, no worries about health since im never going to die, and i dont need groceries since there are more than enough people on the face of the earth walking around at night. its the one day of the year where i can throw on whatever outfit i would like and be that little kid again with no worries except where i am getting my next handful of candy from. ah, halloween, i cant wait for you to get here!